When Others Don't Do the Work: Taking Ownership in Your Relationships
Guest Podcast on The Life Coach in Your Pocket Show
What You'll Hear in This Episode
This isn't your typical polished podcast conversation. This is raw, real, and vulnerable: two coaches interviewing each other about the messiest parts of personal growth: family wounds, communication breakdowns, and what it takes to stop being a victim in your own relationships.
Rachel and I talk about:
✨ Why family triggers us more than anyone else (and what to do about it)
✨ The powder keg analogy: how to stop exploding in relationships
✨ What it means to be a neutral observer instead of a victim
✨ Why curiosity is the foundation of all communication
✨ How to take ownership without taking on everyone else's emotions
✨ Real stories of losing our cool and learning from it
The Work I Didn't Want to Do (But Needed Most)
When Rachel asked me what I'd been working on, my answer surprised even me: family.
Two years ago, if you'd told me I would prioritize healing my family relationships, I wouldn't have recognized myself. I spent 10 years avoiding my family. I built deep, vulnerable friendships. I cried in front of strangers on Zoom. I showed up fully for my clients, my business, my professional network.
But I hadn't cried in front of my family in a decade.
I was vulnerable everywhere except the place it mattered most.
Everything Stems From Your Family of Origin
Here's what I've learned through coaching and working with mentors like Rachel: almost every wound we carry, every goal we chase, every pattern we repeat—it stems from our family of origin. Everything that shaped us happened before we were 12 years old.
So if you want to heal anything in your life, you have to go back to the beginning. You have to own the fact that who you are today is because of the family you grew up in.
And at first? That makes you angry. You notice yourself acting just like your father or your mother, and your initial reaction is frustration. I'm just like them.
But the work is this: Can you get to a place where you say, "I'm just like them," and feel good about it? Can you find the gifts in those mirrors instead of just the wounds?
That's where I started. I wanted to look forward to spending time with my family. I wanted to thank them for who they helped me become.
The Powder Keg Analogy: Stop Letting Their Sparks Ignite You
My father and I used to be explosive together. We could walk into the same room, and within 30 seconds, one of us would storm out. We didn't even have to say anything—the energy, the history, the built-up resentment was enough.
I used to compare it to two powder kegs walking into a room. One spark, and we'd both explode.
But here's what changed: My father hasn't changed as a person. He's still the same man. What changed was me.
I learned how to empty my powder keg. I learned how to show up without bringing all that unresolved anger, resentment, and expectation with me. Now, no matter how many sparks fly from his side, there's nothing in me to ignite.
And that's the work. That's what it means to take ownership.
You can't control other people. You can't make them do their work. But you can ask yourself: What am I bringing into this interaction?
From Victim to Neutral Observer
Before I learned anything about communication, NLP, or personal development, I walked into every conversation feeling like a victim.
Not in the "woe is me" sense—but in the sense that I always blamed the other person. If they would just listen. If they weren't so defensive. If they would get their act together, we could have a good conversation.
I couldn't see that I was also bringing defensiveness, anger, and assumptions into the room. It takes two people to have an argument.
The shift happened when I stopped being the victim and became a neutral observer. I learned to watch the interaction without taking everything personally. I learned to empty my powder keg before I walked into the room.
Now, when my father gets upset, I can observe it. I can let the train go by without getting on board. I can say, "You can stay here and be miserable, or you can get in the car and say goodbye to your daughter. Either way, I'm okay."
And I mean it. Because I know I didn't bring that energy into the interaction. I know it's not about me.
The Airport Story: When I Finally Let Go of Codependency
The last time I saw my father, he got upset about something small—something I was wearing. He said he couldn't be seen with me in public like that. He told me to change.
We were on our way to the airport. I was leaving. And he was so upset he didn't want to get in the car.
Old me would have chased him. Old me would have changed my clothes, apologized, done anything to make him happy so he wouldn't be mad at me.
But this time, I said: "Dad, you can either get in this car and say goodbye to your only daughter at the airport, or you can stay home and be miserable. I'm getting in the car either way."
And I meant it.
Not because I didn't care about him. But because I knew this wasn't about me. I knew I hadn't brought anything into this interaction that warranted his reaction. I knew I was okay—and whatever he decided to do, that was on him.
He got in the car.
Curiosity Is the Foundation of Communication
My father recently told me (while yelling, because that's how he compliments): "Hélène, you've always been good at communication. You know how to talk to people. You know how to be approachable."
And he's right. The areas of my life where I've excelled have always been rooted in curiosity. I wanted to know what was really going on. I wanted to understand people.
Curiosity is the foundation of all communication.
You can have the best idea in the world as a CEO, but if you can't communicate it to your team in a way that resonates, it doesn't matter. You can feel all the feelings, but if you can't express them to your partner in a way they understand, nothing changes.
Communication is the key to everything—romantic relationships, client relationships, friendships, family healing.
And the first step is always curiosity. Not "getting curious" as a technique, but genuinely asking: What don't I know here? What am I assuming? What if I approached this like a journalist trying to gather information instead of someone trying to be right?
When you pause and ask, "What did you mean by that?" instead of reacting, everything shifts.
What I Used to Think vs. What I Know Now
Before I learned communication skills, I thought I wanted:
More money
More time
More freedom
My husband to stop being stupid (Rachel's words, but relatable)
What I know now: In learning how to communicate, I created more of everything I said I wanted. Better relationships led to better business. Better boundaries led to more time. Better communication led to less anxiety.
I used to have generalized anxiety—the kind where you replay every conversation in your head afterward. Did I sound selfish? Did I invite myself when I wasn't supposed to? Did I say the wrong thing?
I don't have that anymore. When I leave a conversation now, I move on with my life. Because I know what I brought, what my intention was, and what I was trying to create.
The Difference Between Codependency and Ownership
I used to be codependent—not in the way most people think of it, but in this way: I played chess in my head. I anticipated what people would do, what they would say, how they would react. And I shaped my entire behavior around those assumptions.
I denied my needs. I performed. I people-pleased. All based on information they never gave me directly because I never asked.
The difference now? I work from reality, not from fantasy anxiety land.
I ask questions. I clarify. I give people a say in the conversation instead of deciding for them what they need or how they'll react.
I'm no longer playing a game in my head. I'm having an actual conversation with an actual human.
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